Jealousy
I remember taking this selfie the middle of 2017. I was having a rough day since it had been a year since we lost our twins due to an ectopic pregnancy. I walked Peanut all the way to the ATT ballpark and I just sat there and felt sorry for myself. I remember crying a bit and Peanut was licking my face. I even got a text from my husband asking me what I was up to. I remember wiping my face to take this picture so I can send it to him. I believe I was sad because I just learned that a close friend of mine was having another child. I was happy for her, but sad for me.
Jealousy is a topic that comes up frequently. I get questions through my DM’s asking how I manage to stay positive.
Truth is… Going through this infertility struggle made me a person I did not want to be. I was also jealous. It was to the point where I wouldn’t scroll through my social media because I was afraid to see pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, and newborns. I just didn’t show it. The only person that saw me at my worst was my husband. He didn’t see much because I was so good at crying alone, however there are times I would just break down.
I did struggle with this. I thought life wasn’t fair. I would see pregnant homeless women shooting up heroin in the streets of San Francisco. I would see mothers treat their children like shit in public. The embarrassed look on the child’s face broke my heart. I would think to myself, if you were my child, I would give you all the attention in the world. There are times I had to stop myself from cussing out the mother who told their kid to get out of their way, when they were only try to help bag the groceries at the self check out line. I even remember walking pass a mother who told their kid to not talk because she was a little annoyed. I said in a low tone to where the kid wouldn’t hear me that she was a bad mother. After saying that, I didn’t feel any better. I felt worse. The one thing I wanted most, people took for granted.
I already know I’m going to love my child when the time comes. I will give them the world. I know I will treat them like royalty. I will make sure they feel loved at all times. They will have a happy life. I just know it.
Well back to the conversation of jealousy. The way I felt took over my life. I missed my nieces and nephews growing up because like I said, I didn’t scroll though my social media account for like a year. I was surprised to see them walking at one of the family parties. I was even thinking, wow, they grew out of the baby food stage already. You miss so much because you were afraid to see the unknown.
Things got a little better for me. I learn to cope by looking at all the blessings I already have. I have an amazing husband. So amazing that one of my close friends at work told me that my relationship with my husband is on point. She pointed out that we never have to worry about what the other person is doing because she sees trust and communication in our relationship. My dog brings me so much love and joy. She knows when I’m sad so gives me extra attention and kisses. I also have a ton of nieces and nephews who I love so much. I’m just blessed to have a huge family.
I have to admit that there are times I do feel down, but I always try to remember that something amazing will be for me in the future. Whatever that may be, I’m ready for it.
