The Last Six Months
The last six months has been quite interesting. Something I would never thought my pregnancy would be. I do feel truly blessed that all my appointments has been nothing but great news. A healthy baby, strong heartbeat, very active, sonograms with baby smiling, and much more. There has been something that has been bothering me that I have been praying for understanding, patience, and acceptance. If you’re already a mom before the pandemic, you may not understand where I’m coming from, but I truly appreciate all of you trying to help me get through this.
I’ve voiced my feelings on social media because I wanted to vent. Venting helps me. Oversharing helps me. Before my journey I had kept quite about all the feelings I had inside of me. Hanging out with my cousins and friends who had kids, I would joke around when they would ask me when it’s my turn. I would try and be funny and ask them, what positions they were in to conceive a baby. We all were laughing, but in reality I was dying inside. During my social media vent, all of you had great advice. All of you are so kind to even take the time to comment back. I even appreciate all the likes, loves, cares, etc. During the whole time trying to get pregnant, I pictured where I wanted my baby shower to be. I know I wanted to look on point during my whole pregnancy so my husband bought me a lot of really cute maternity outfits. We already had visions of our gender reveal, the location, the people who we wanted to invite, how we were going to reveal the gender of our baby. Our baby moon in Greece was going to be fun. My feelings of this whole pandemic would be a lot different if we planned on having more children, however due to how my body reacts, I can not conceive naturally. Another baby will consist of another egg transfer and all the testing which is so costly and all the shots that my body has to go through. So my husband and I agreed to only have one.
I do feel robbed. I know how much my husband wanted to be involved with this whole pregnancy. From beginning to end. During the IVF procedure, he was able to come to my 13 week ultrasound. The baby was moving and his excitement was over the moon. He was like a kid in a candy store. Before getting pregnant, I had asked questions to some family and friends who had announced their pregnancy. The question I always ask is, “how excited is your husband?” One person told me that their spouse cried at every ultrasound, which I think is such a beautiful moment. Something to always remember. I remember to this day that Chris cried when I walked down the aisle when we got married, so I know during these ultrasound appointments there would be special moments in the making.
Since we are going through this pandemic right now, my gender reveal, my baby shower, and my baby moon was only a dream. I walk in my closet just to pull out the same outfit whenever I have a zoom meeting for work. Black leggings and the same black shirt. However, when I think my coworkers are starting to notice my same outfit, I change it up to a white shirt. I see my maternity outfits just hanging there and I do feel a bit bummed.
My parents are excited to be grandparents as well. They are in their early 70’s and they are not getting any younger. During this pandemic, it’s hard to visit them. My mom and I are best friends. I call her every single day just to check up and we talk and laugh. I know they want to experience the whole pre-birth journey with me because this is basically their baby too!
I am trying. I am trying to be more positive. I’ve been praying about it every night, but feelings are real. Disappointment is real. It takes time for me to accept things, so please bear with me. Before you judge me and tell me I need to be more thankful or telling me I’m acting like a brat (yes, someone that is following me on Facebook had the nerve to message me by telling me to stop being a brat.) Please walk in my shoes. Picture the day you had your ultrasound and how your partner got to be apart of it. How they were holding your hand and kissing the top of your head. Think of the ride home and the conversations you had by telling each other how excited you both are that you are bringing a baby you created to this world. Picture me in my appointment sitting with the doctor who I barely know. Picture me driving home by myself with no one to talk to. Picture me crying on the way home because I wanted to share this moment with my husband. Picture me getting treated like shit during one of my appointments and I didn’t have my husband to defend me. Picture me trying to figure out how I’m going to tell my husband he can’t come with me or now FaceTime is not allowed. Time heals all wounds. I just need time.
I know someone who is so excited.
When I do think about when I do give birth, I know I’m going to be the best mom I can be. I already know I would give my child the world and will definitely create a lot of memories. I am excited to do mom things and I feel so blessed that my husband and I are able to finally get pregnant! I am blessed that my husband saw my emotions and feelings inside of me and told me we are going to start this IVF journey. He never complained once when each visit they would surprise us with another cost. My husband never made comments on how he didn’t realize how expensive this was going to be. He only made sure I was happy and getting the best treatment. I feel blessed that I was able to share my life with all of you and I got to help people who are going through the same issues as me. When I started this journey, I got a lot of messages from friends who experience some kind of fertility issue and is thankful that I was transparent. So I do feel blessed. I do feel thankful and I do thank the Lord that he was able to give us our dream to become parents.
For now, I will continue to practice social distancing. I will continue to be quarantine until this whole pandemic subsides. I didn’t feel cute wearing those blue medical masks, so I wanted to purchase a masks that I know I would feel good in. I found this masks on IG and I absolutely love them. A gal name Jenica makes disney and island prints and you can find her on IG. Her IG handles are : @craftedbynena @themoramouseclub and @nena06.
