The Day My Life Changed — THE MAC'S ARE HERE

I remember this day as if it happened yesterday. It was Sunday. We were living on Embarcadero at the time. My husband went to the gym because it was leg day, but I wasn’t feeling up to joining him so I walked to the Ferry Building in San Francisco, bought a venti caramel Frappuccino, and just sat there and people watched. I felt a little funny, but I just ignored it. After about an hour, I walked to North Beach to do some shopping at Trader Joe’s. I grabbed a few things, stood in line, and the couple in front of me was waiting at the end of the check out because they wanted to surprise me and pay for my groceries. The day was going well.

As I was walking home, I realized the bag was getting heavy so I switched shoulders. In mid switch I twisted a little funny and pain darted towards my abdomen. I ignored it, but throughout the day it was getting worse and I started to vomit. My husband took me to the ER around midnight. I got an ultrasound done and the eggs that they terminated two weeks prior were still there. I had to have emergency surgery for my ectopic pregnancy. I remember my doctor was the first one to arrive. She was the first one in the operating room. She was holding my hand while the nurses and techs were getting ready. I remember telling her I was scared. She kissed my forehead and promised she would be by my side the whole time. We had a great relationship since I’ve been going to her for 10 years.

I woke up from surgery and that’s when my life changed.

But first let me rewind to 8 weeks prior. When my husband and I found out we were pregnant, we were excited. I remember we picked out names. If we had a boy, we would have named him Elias. If we had a girl we would have named her Nohea (means Love/Lovely in Hawaiian.) My husband wished our son would be a professional baseball player or our daughter would be a professional swimmer. We already had big dreams for them. When we went out to shop, we would go into the baby stores and look at outfits and show each other what we liked. My husband didn’t want to buy any clothes for them just yet, simply because they might go out of style by the time they’re born. However, I bought a few things I liked when I went shopping alone, which sadly is still hanging in my closet. We were happy that we were finally going to be a family.

The day this picture was photographed, I was a little annoyed. I didn’t want any remembrance of this day. Later, I felt a little guilty thinking this way because I felt like I was trying to block my babies out of my memory. Yes, I do think of them as my babies because I did see beating hearts on an ultrasound. They just had to die in me because there was no way of survival. I was heart broken.

I was told I was never the same since then. I guess I had this bubbly, over the top, always excited about life personality, but now I’m a little more quieter and more reserve. I became an observer, instead of being the one being observed. People say I’m depressed, I say I’m grieving. People can say I’m being over the top dramatic, but you’ve never walked in my shoes. My anxiety hit an all time high. The things that were enjoyable, put me full panic mode. Scrolling through my feed of followers gave me anxiety. I was always so scared of seeing pregnancy announcements and gender reveals. I remember questioning my faith a lot. I had stopped going to church. I was mad at God for a long while. I thought my life was just fucked. I hated the route it was going. Negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test. I stopped believing in him. Period.

Then one day I was working remote, I broke down. I realized I still needed God in my life. I was reminded about all the blessings he has given me. Prayers that I witnessed him answering. I visited Vatican City in Rome in 2015 and I prayed for 3 things I desperately needed help with. When we flew back home, it didn’t take long for my prayers to be answered. I was an emotional wreck. I’m the type who hides my feelings deep down in my soul and let it all out when no one is watching.

I felt like I never had time to grieve. I remember calling my boss from SF Surgical to tell her I wouldn’t have been able to come into work for a week because I had surgery. No sympathy, just an big sigh of annoyance and made me feel guilty about missing work, that I wobbled back to work 2 days after my surgery. She never even asked about it so it was never brought up at work.

I always had them in the back of my mind. Thinking what they would have been, what kind of accomplishments would they have achieved. If they would have loved me as much as I love them. I do think of this often. I think about how they would have been 2 going on 3. Where would we have been when they took their first steps or said their first word. This shit is really hard. I do have my bad days, but I’m thankful there are more good days.

I’m thinking nothing but positive things about my upcoming IVF transfer. I’ve decided to just focus on my health, my well being, and trying to figure out how to get this weight lifted off my shoulders. I need positive PINEAPPLE vibes! Thank you everyone who has sent them my way!