Faith
Just a little pinch. That’s what I tell myself when I’m ready to inject. It’s been 8 days and it doesn’t get easier.
Right now I’m on my first injection. In about 4 days, I have to add 2 more to this routine. Plus another oral medication on top of that.
It took me a while to write this blog because I had feelings of being ashamed. I had feelings of guilt. I felt like this is wrong. I know I’m about to lose a lot of followers because there are certain things you shouldn’t bring up. Religion is one of them. However, I’m bringing this up because I want to share with all the people who are supporting me, my true feelings on why I chose IVF and why I have the feelings that I do.
My parents raised me as catholic. A child of God. I go to church every Sunday. I met my husband at Church. I believe in God. I seen miracles happen. I have witnessed my prayers being answered. God has been so good to me. This is why I feel so guilty.
The reason why I feel like this because I’m letting science take its course, instead of my Faith. I prayed about this. I’ve talked to multiple people about this. I’ve done research on how we can make this possible without any guilt.
I chose to do IVF. Even with all the guilt, my feelings of wanting to start a family so bad helped with my decision. So for those of you who are judging me, please don’t. Living life with infertility is shit. Your life is like a roller coaster. You miss your period for more than a week, you get so excited because this is finally it. You go to Target and buy a home pregnancy test and it comes out negative. I have one semi working Fallopian tube and my other one is non existent. It’s harder for me to get pregnant. You get invited to all these baby showers and birthdays and I’m the only one without kids. It fucking sucks!
I’ve thought about what will happen to all my eggs that have been fertilized after I stop trying. I know human embryos are created and usually a majority of them are destroyed. I’m not going to go that route. My husband and I had a counseling session with our IVF coordinator. We decided and signed off on it that whatever embryos that are not used, we will donate them to couples who can not conceive on their own. We will pay the storage fee until all of the eggs are donated.
All of this is overwhelming. But I know this will be worth it in the end. The pain. The weight gain. My constant worry and fear that this may not work. My constant fear that it will work, but instead of enjoying the whole pregnancy process, I’m too worried about hurting the baby or doing anything that will cause a miscarriage.
After all the praying I’ve done, I firmly believe this was God’s plan for us. He created a life for us, which my husband and I are able to afford this. He gave us an idea to create a blog to help others in pain. I met so many incredible people who told me their story. I learned how to pray for strangers who I knew was hurting deep down. I witnessed that we can be there for each other in time of struggle. This has been a learning experience for us. I’ve just have to have a little more patience and I know my blessing will come when the time is right.
I just got to have FAITH.
For those of you who know about mine and my husband’s amazon business, our products are live again. It was inactive for a while until Amazon fixed the issue they’ve created. Recently we just contacted our supplier and bought another 500 units to stock up at the Amazon warehouse. Who knew a small idea created something so worthwhile.
