15 Weeks

My 15 week ultrasound was different. When my husband and I planned on getting pregnant, we planned to schedule all the appointments to where he would be involved. I wanted him to experience every part of this journey with me.

Before we got pregnant, I honestly felt like I was alone. I had 5 angel babies and even though my husband was the father to all these angel babies, he wasn’t as attached as I was. I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to be questioned about how I already loved them, even though we have never met. I didn’t want to be a burden to my husband or anyone so literally I was all alone.

So my 15 week ultrasound was bittersweet. I always pictured my husband standing behind the doctor looking at the ultrasound machine. Watching our baby dance their ass off. To see their flickering heart together. And oohing and ahhing every time the baby moved. However it wasn’t like that today. I was alone during my ultrasound. I saw this new obstetrician who was great, however we don’t have that connection just yet. This whole Covid 19 has brought so much chaos that my husband, the father of our child was not allowed to join me for my appointment. If he came, he would have to sit in the car and wait. So during my ultrasound, I had to FaceTime him. I can see the look of disappointment on his face when he had to watch our baby do their thing while he was home. I had no hands to hold. I couldn’t look him in his eyes and say, our dream is finally coming true. I had to make sure my cell phone was balance with the ultrasound machine so my husband was able to have his moment. I honestly didn’t get to see the heart beating because I was so focus on the phone, but I knew it was there. The doctor said, my baby is measuring out as planned, heartbeat is strong, and our baby looks really healthy.

When the ultrasound was over, I tried to say bye to my husband and that I’ll see him when I get home, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t say anything because he was getting choked up and emotional that he couldn’t be there so he just hung up before any water works. My husband never cries, so I finally can see how this is effecting him as well.

When I got home I was just too lazy to take my make up off so I started playing with the snap chat filters and trying to be cute. When it got to this one, I got really emotional. It reminded me of how lonely it was today.

I do agree that everyone should shelter in place and only go out if they need any essentials or if they have a doctors appointment. However, I think it’s complete bull shit that they don’t let spouses come to these prenatal visits. This is his appointment too. This is his baby too. My husband and I are only planning to have one child so these stupid ass fucked up rules is making him miss out on one of the most important times of our lives.

I know everyone is tired of all the whole coronavirus preaching so I’m just going to say this. For those who are not taking this shelter in place seriously. You’re the one who’s fucking up amazing things for other people. So get your shit together so we can all live normal lives sooner than later. Don’t live in regret if the coronavirus catches you.