Heart Break

I usually take this test alone, but my husband has been pretty anxious to know if our second round of clomid worked. It didn’t.

I knew before I took the test that I wasn’t pregnant because I had gotten my period. When I went to pee and saw blood, I burst into tears. All I can think about is how unfair this has been for us. I really thought this was it. I felt pregnant. I felt my boobs hurting. I was bloated. All I wanted to do was sleep. I even had a little bleeding during the time of implantation. I also had heart burn, which I never usually have. I was thinking, this is it! I was getting so excited. My husband and I planned to take the test together Saturday morning (2/23). I didn’t know how to tell him that I got my period. Today, when I came home from work, he was already home. I went to Peanut’s room and laid down with her on her bed. My husband was eating a cupcake in the kitchen when I called out for him. When he came, I told him I wasn’t pregnant. He asked, how do I know? I told him I got my period. Then he asked me again. I think he was so disappointed and shocked that he did not hear me the first time. I told him I got my period and then I burst into tears. I was crying so hard, I could hardly breathe. The look on his face showed how disappointed he was. I told him how much I wanted this and how it wasn’t fair! He was rubbing my back and agreed how unfair this was.

Clomid round 3 starts tomorrow. I was hoping I didn’t have to do another round because each round I gain about 3-5 pounds. It’s not fair. Life wasn’t fair. I hate this! Sometimes I ask myself why put me through this. I have so much fun in my marriage that we don’t need kids. Marriage life is great! I love my husband and he loves me. We can take care of each other. Then I realize it’s not about that. This little person is made by two people who love each other so much. They would be a part of my husband and a part of me. Something God help us create. This is us.

I been racking my brain on reasons why we haven’t had a successful pregnancy. We did everything that was taught by our parents. We waited until marriage. We waited until we were financially steady. We made sure we have a roof over our heads before bringing someone into the world. We created a stress free home. We have said a million prayers, but still nothing.

People have told me, be patient it will happen. Don’t worry, just relax. You’ll get there. Guess what? I hate that shit! Cut it out! Don’t tell me how to feel because most of you haven’t been in my shoes. Tell me that you’ll pray for me and mean it. Tell me I’m sorry you’re going through this, if you need someone to talk to I’m here for you. Hug me. Cry with me. I don’t need someone to tell me how to fucken feel!

I’m sorry if I sound so harsh or unstable. Frustration comes with the infertility package. So does heartache. Rejection, confusion, and jealousy plays a big role as well. Something that I want so bad that everyone has. It sucks. All I can do is stay hopeful and not give up.

There’s nothing more disappointing than feeling ready and then looking down at a negative pregnancy test.